“Thank you for calling Wellcare. If you are trying to reach One Care,
We Care, Some Care, Who Cares or, You’re Kidding Me Pharmaceuticals
Press One. If you’re trying to reach We Care, You Think We Care, We Used
To Care, or, I’d Like to Think You Care, Press 2.
Button Press Sound
You have reached the Wellcare Help Line. We’re here to help you, guide you
Steer you and help find you the help that you need. But, first we need
To confirm who you are exactly. Please enter you date of birth.
No, that’s wrong. You need to enter the month, day and year you were
Born. No, that’s wrong. Don’t you know when you were born? Didn’t
You attend your birthing session? You need to enter the month using three
Letters. If you don’t know the third letter you’re just dumb and we can’t
Help you. If you know the day you were born speak clearly into your
Phone. No, you couldn’t have been born on the 32nd of the month.
Okay, just tell us the year you were born. No, we don’t believe you
Were born in the 1400s, Just go back and get this shit straight.
No, let us know your Member Number. If you need 5 seconds we can wait
Until you dig up your wallet and dig past your Gentleman’s Club cars,
Jiffy Lube, Vitoria’s Secret and Greasy Spoon Diner cards. No, your number is
not YouSuck123. Try again.
Now, in a few simple words, let us know why you are calling. “I need to ..”
“I’m sorry, I did not get that.” Try again. “I have a …”. I’m sorry, I did not get that.
“In less than a few words tell us how we can help you. “I want to …”I’m sorry.” We are
Experiencing a great deal of incoming calls and you will have to wait 16 hours before
We can connect you with an operator.” Do you have a Tesla Battery that can
Keep you connected during this time? Please stay on the line. If you hang up, you’ll need
To start this process all over and the wait time might be six weeks.
PAUSE
“Hello, my name is Nakeesh Schwandarama. Can you tell me your date of birth?
I do not understand you. Can you say it like you grew up in Brooklyn? Okay. And, now
I need your Social Security Card Number. “I don’t want to give you my Social Security Number.” Okay, what was your Great Great Great Grandmother’s nickname? Bubblelah. Okay
That’s good. Now, what can I help you with?
“I ordered six drugs for renewal five weeks ago. I haven’t seen a confirmation nor have I
Received any drugs since my order. Okay. Let me look up your files. Tell me your last name.
Silverman. “Silverwond? No, Silverman. “Sliverwound?” No, Silverman. Can you spell your
Last name? S-I_L-V-E-R-M-A-N. I’m sorry. You seem to be breaking up. Can you do that
Again? Okay, got it.
I see you tried to order Hydrocorotriamyasimey. Is that correct? No. It’s Hydrocordomyasin. Can you spell that? No. Can you spell encyclopedia? If you can’t just look it up Jimmeney
Crickett on Google. He did a great rendition on the Mickey Mouse Club in the 1950s.
What’s the next drug on your list? Xeralto. “Do you spell that Zereltdo? No. Do you spell that
Zeer-L-toe? No. Would you like me to spell it in Tamil (the language of Sri Lanka). Yes. That
Would be helpful. Okay. Let me go to Google Translate. I’m sure they will scramble the
Spelling much worse that I did.
Do you have any other drugs you would like to renew? Yes. Can you tell me which ones?
I’m afraid to. “Maybe I’ll just to into CVS and wait on line for two weeks. They are always
Reliable to tell me that the drugs are on backorder and I’ll have to pay $35,000 more than my pharmaceutical coverage allows. That’s always comforting.
Wellcare. You guys nailed it with that name.