Oddball
Thoughts

I think you could call this my Andy Rooney rant. For those of you Who don’t remember him, Andy was the curmudgeon opinion Commentator on CBS 60 Minutes from 1969-2011. “Rooney typically offered satire on a trivial everyday issues, such as the cost of groceries, annoying relatives, or faulty Christmas presents. Rooney's appearances on "A Few Minutes with Andy Rooney" often included whimsical...

When you get to be of a certain age a few things happen to You. Well, more than a few things but, I’ll just focus on the Ones that don’t have anything to do with your plumbing. You come to realize that your family is weird. And, that’s Precisely why you are weird. My Uncle Jack used to Flush the toilet the first moment he arrived at our house from His long drive from Montreal. If he was...

I don’t want to live in my refrigerator. Not now. Not ever. If for no other reason … it’s too cold in there. I moved to Florida to get away from the cold. I’m pretty happy at 75 degrees but, I don’t think that Marry Anne’s big tub of Greek Yogurt would Agree with me. Unless, she changes her requirements and Can live with a few curdles. The other big reason why I don’t want to live in my...

Does technology make your life easier? I don’t know. I tried to make an appointment with my doctor. In the old days, you called their office and scheduled an appointment. Easy peasy. These days you need to be a computer genius. Go onto the doctor’s office website. Type in your User Name and Password. WAIT. Who has a User Name and Password for their Doctor’s office? Maybe I set one up four years...

I used to have a lot of oomph. I think most of had it when We were young. You woke up and got out of bed. And then, You were off to the races. Brush your teeth, get dressed, tie Your shoes, chow down breakfast and go oft school. Recess Came and you flew out the classroom door ran out to the Playground. Your feet flew into the air and you ran and ran and ran Until time was up and you needed to...

When you get to be my age you have plenty of time to Think about what you might have wanted to be in your Life. A doctor, a lawyer, an engineer, an architect… Of course, the List could go on and on. Or, if you’re like me you might have wanted to be a circus acrobat (or, a Guy who just stood on top of an elephant in a three ring circus), A helicopter pilot, a boardwalk barker (oh, wait, I was...

When I grew up in Long Beach, NY summers were always something special. Of course, it was warm outside. So, I could fly out the door wearing just my shorts and tee shirt. I could ride my bike anywhere in the neighborhood. I could ride as fast as I wanted and let go of the handlebars to live a little dangerously. I could feel the wind in my hair. It was simply joyous. When I turned 11 or 12 I had...

I was sitting in the park the other day. It was just around dusk. My wife and I were chatting with a neighbor about this and that. There was a Little League Game going on just down the hill. The field was starting to get a little dark when all of a sudden the park lights turned on. And, then in a flash they went off. A minute later they went on. And, then they went off. This sequence contained...

“Anyone who really gets to know me either falls in love with me or ends up wanting to murder me. Sometimes both." /Anonymous While my life has not exactly been a series of loose ends, it could be considered a contender. When I was a kid I wasn’t interested in hearing or reading stories from end to end. If I jumped into the middle and exited about two-thirds of the way down, I felt like I got the...

“Thank you for calling Wellcare. If you are trying to reach One Care, We Care, Some Care, Who Cares or, You’re Kidding Me Pharmaceuticals Press One. If you’re trying to reach We Care, You Think We Care, We Used To Care, or, I’d Like to Think You Care, Press 2. Button Press Sound You have reached the Wellcare Help Line. We’re here to help you, guide you Steer you and help find you the help that...

“I've been everywhere, man I've been everywhere, man Crossed the deserts bare, man I've breathed the mountain air, man Of travel I've had my share, man I've been everywhere.” /Johnny Cash Let’s face it. If you drive north or south, east or west on America’s Interstates you will eventually need to stop at a Rest Stop. For most of us, it’s not really a rest stop. It’s a bathroom stop. Well,...

JOHN We were on our Honeymoon traveling to from Rome to Brindisi. We just finished our incredible adventure from England to France, Amsterdam, Germany, Spain and Italy. It was a two and a half month whirlwind backpack tour to see the sights and sounds and taste the flavors of Europe. We were on a train using what was left of our Eurail Pass. The train was filled to the brim with travelers …...

To put this into perspective, my wife and I are snowbirds. We live in NY during the Spring and Summer and part of the Fall. And, we live in Florida for the Winter. Pretty simple, right? So, every year we need to inform the US Post Office of our Change of Address. Also, pretty simple, right? But, if you’re like me any and all government forms are never simple. They seem to ask questions that are...

In 1974 we acquired a Jack Russel puppy. He was a precursor to our first child. So, we really focused our attention on him. To say that he was cute would be seriously limiting his influence on us. Of course, most puppies are cute but, this one was major cute. Handsome, spunky, curious, playful … destructive and full of piss and vinegar. But, his cuteness superseded all of his negative qualities....

There’s no question about it. I need to lose weight. Unfortunately, I’m just not wired to active the “get up and go” function that some people seem to be able to easily engage. I like to write. I like to eat. I like to cook. I like to FaceBook and Instagram and I like to occasionally watch some TV. But, do I naturally want to go for a walk? Do some bending? Stretching? No, but maybe some...

In 1962 I was 15 years old and I got invited to a party where there were girls. What did I know about girls? They didn’t play poker. They didn’t cut grass or shovel snow. They didn’t play stick ball or stoop ball. Actually, I didn’t know anything about girls. And, here I was at a party with girls. Well, it didn’t take long before they rounded up the boys to play Spin the Bottle. We sat down in a...

I want to live in a world where you always win your Solitaire Game, where milk never goes bad, where you never have to Double knot your shoelaces, where you can always say exactly What you’re thinking, where your washing machine your washing Machine always finds your dirty clothes and your dryer always Folds them, where you can eat anything you want without Guilt or consequences, where your TV...

I don’t understand guilt. Never did. Never will. You just can’t Make me feel guilty to do something that I don’t want to do. I don’t get that feeling that supposedly gnaws at your conscience. Maybe I’m lucky? My mother never made me Feel guilty of anything and I didn’t grow up Catholic. I also don’t understand prayer. But, that’s a topic for another Writer’s group. And, I certainly don’t...

I guess it all started in 1973. It was a late afternoon on the north shore of Staten Island. Not a particularly notable place. We lived upstairs in a two family house just across from a gypsum factory and just across the Kill Van Kull from what I called, “Gas/Oil New Jersey”. I was waiting to start my Graduate School program at New York University and, in the meantime I was driving a taxi in...

So, you want a vaccine shot, eh? Well, first you have to “call this number”. What number? Oh, you’ll have to look on the internet. Or, watch local TV news. And, then when you find the “number” you dial it up. Ring, ring, ring, ring .. finally, a voice answers: “if you’re calling to set up an appointment to get a vaccine shot you’re shit out of luck. All slots have been assigned. Try calling back...