I’ve Had Enough Virus Talk

Oct 26, 2023

Clearly our world has changed. There’s a virus out there and it’s causing harm. No doubt about it. You turn on the TV news, look at the newspaper, go on social media chat groups .. it’s talked about every day and everywhere. “Did you get your shot?” “Do you know anybody who has a list of places to get it?” “Did you get an appointment?” “How far did you go to get it?” “How long did you wait in line?”

And then the conversation sometimes goes: “Well, I heard … you can die from the shot.” “And, I heard it’s not very effective.” “My arm swelled up like there was a Gila Monster in there..” “My aunt got the shot and it said it hurts like hell.” “There’s a cop in Okeechobee who got the shot and now, he’s got the virus.” “I’m not getting the shot. Everyone I know is not getting the shot.”


And, then there’s the TV news reports: “The UK is closed down.” “Poland is closed down.” “Disneyland is closed down.” Oh my God. The world is ending. “Few have the virus in New Zealand (probably because few people come and go there).”

Now all of sudden we have a new word in our vernacular: Mitigate. “there had been a provocation that mitigated the offense to a degree” “If you want to be able to respond to things in a clear way, you must have a clear understanding of what we’re talking about.” The baseline is endemic, epidemic and pandemic. WTF?

I don’t know about you but, I’m ready for some new conversations. There has to be some subjects that need further exploration.

Have you ever had a high colonic irrigation? Is this something that American Indian women do in a corn field? Is it a religious cleansing ritual? Is there another way of describing this event?

“Mister, we’re going to put a firehose in there to see what’s what.” Okay, enough of that topic.

My mother once had a sebaceous cyst. I was probably 10 years old when she mentioned it. Those two words just went straight to my funny bone. And, the Coen Brothers found it funny enough to mention it in Little White Lies (Arthur is camped out in his living room draining his sebaceous cyst.). Maybe this was an ailment that only affected Jewish people?

I thought my pants would never dry.

My mother had a canasta friend named, Nelda Zalenko. Some kids out there need to name their new rock band with her name. “Ladies and Gentlemen .. “The Nelda Zalenko Light Orchestra”.

I’m sure I got this idea from Jeff Goldblum. He was once invited to bring his jazz trio to perform at the Cafe Caryle in NYC. They asked him what the trio was called. Since they didn’t have a name, he just came up with one. Named after his mother’s friend, “The Mildred Schnitzer Orchestra”. Too funny.

While I can’t recall Nelda, I’m sure she bleached her hair bright red to match her bright red lipstick. The look perfectly fit her 1920s name.

My friend Neil had this almost believable theory of the life of an inanimate object. It was a concept worth hearing out. Everything that sits still has some form of life inside of it. A rock, a table, a wall .. everything. Neil owned a VW Bug. The radio didn’t work. Well, it didn’t work until you understood that it needed a wooden match stick to jam into the corner of the apparatus. And, voila. 1010 News was yacking away. He also had a table lamp that suffered the same dilemma. Again, a match stick jammed just below the light switch did the job.

So, you see. There are lots more subjects to talk about than the virus. The good stories will last a long time. Hopefully, the virus will just go away.