Oct 26, 2023

I have a deep secret I must admit. I have a one sided love affair with an inanimate object. She’s wider than she is tall. She doesn’t move with the wind but, she does have an arm that moves up and down. No, she’s not a blow up doll. But, that’s not a bad guess. Actually my love affair is more like a yearning. Sometimes it’s an aching. Or, maybe it’s a lusting?

It happens just about everyday. Usually in the early afternoon. It starts as a curiosity and increases to a forceful crescendo. Just about everyday.

You’d think a guy would move on to other curiosities. After all, there are a lot of fish in the sea. Except this fish is eternally filled with surprises. So, it definitely has become my cherished ritual.

Most of the time this yearning is really not worth the effort … except for those few orgasmic moments. And then … well the urge renews itself the next day and many days thereafter.

Some of life’s experiences are difficult to describe. But, not this one. On a typical day I just get up from my easy chair, slip on my shorts and head out of the door. And then, it’s just a 2-minute walk to the destination of my fantasies.

When I arrive, I take out my key and insert it into the lock. No doorbell or door knock is required. I just open the door and there it is; today’s mail.

In my younger days I kind of dreaded opening the mailbox because most of what I found were bills. But, in the retirement world, it’s a whole new universe. Yeah, I still get a smattering of bills but I also get an occasional birthday or anniversary card. And, I receive reminders to clean my gutters and my air conditioning vents. And, a reminder to update my undergraduate info. And, to my great and wondrous surprise l, I occasionally get a government check for being a good boy (that’s where the orgasmic experience hits its apex and, that’s when I start to fantasize that this government check thing might become a daly event).

Then, there are the weekly flyers for correcting deep vein thrombosis, cataracts, liposuction or, where to get the best deal on prosthetics. And, you must need a wheel alignment, synthetic oil change or engine diagnosis for your car. I just can’t stand the guilt of ignoring my sweet Toyota.

Pizza? You must be craving pizza. There’s the best, the finest, the deep dish, the Detroit style (who knew Detroit had any style?). It never seems to end.

End, you say? There’s always a few ads for cemetery plots, tombstones and rent-a-chapel.

I dunno. Maybe I need to start watching reruns on the Playboy Channel. If nothing else, the curves are much better to watch than a measly mailbox.