All of My Family Are Weirdos and All of My Friends are Quirky

Nov 8, 2023

When you get to be of a certain age a few things happen to
You. Well, more than a few things but, I’ll just focus on the
Ones that don’t have anything to do with your plumbing.

You come to realize that your family is weird. And, that’s
Precisely why you are weird. My Uncle Jack used to
Flush the toilet the first moment he arrived at our house from
His long drive from Montreal. If he was satisfied with the
Flush all was well. His wife, my dear departed Aunt Esther,
Had a strange habit of chewing on her tongue. Yeah, it was like
Watching a cow chewing her cud. A very strange behavior.

My Uncle Morris never talked … he just performed. On
Passover. He read the service from cover to cover on the
Holiday. It was an easy three hour ordeal. I did my best to
Try and make him laugh. And, sometimes I succeeded.
His wife, Aunt Anna had this amazing cackle. It could pierce
Through the walls of their Bronx apartment … down the
Hall and up the stairs.

My Uncle Howard was this ample-bellied guy who wore
Very slick three button vested suits. And, he always carried
A wad of cash. All rolled up with a wrap around rubber band.
He was always the generous fellow who picked up the check
At a top notch Jewish deli.

My mother was a piece of work all by herself. The baby of eight.
Always a Dr Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. Funny as all hell. Always ready
With a great joke. Always burst out laughing just before she hit
The punch line. (It make her jokes even funnier). But, on her
Dark side she always ragged on my father. She was never
Satisfied to let him be. And, my Dad, turned a deaf ear. 
“He. can’t hear anything that I just said.” “No, that’s not true. He
Just developed selective hearing.”

My wife, oh, my wife. She’s the least weird of the bunch. Well, she does
Spend an inordinate amount of time in the bathroom doing who knows
What. And, due to her worrying and nagging she has a new family moniker.
Her older brothers now call her Mom. On top of that I call her, Pollyanna.
She always looks at the bright Side of life. I guess there are benefits
To not growing up Jewish.

And, then there are my cousins. But, they’re still alive so I’ll stay
Clear on those subjects to avoid any time in a courtroom.

My friends are just as weird. When you’re in conversation with one of
Them it’s like talking to a clam. One word answers. Few questions.
And, another gets into high gear conversation. She has many
Accomplishments. Her list is impressive and, at times, exhausting.
Another one is a worry wort. He calls in the hospital report like a
Professional Golf announcer. “First the doctor did this. Then he did that.
It was close but, he pulled it off. There’s always a better doctor and
A better hospital to do the job.

I have another cousin who I haven’t seen in fifty years. “Oh it would be
So great to see you. But, I can’t see you in New York. Can we meet
Up in Florida?” Sure.” And, when she’s in Florida, “I can’t see you now
I’m going back to New York.” ‘I’ll be in Nairobi in the Fall. Want to meet
Up on my safari?”
I have a former client who turned into a long time friend. We were
Working on producing a tv spot in Mendicino, California. It was about to
Turn sunset. He turned to me in the car and said, “Silverman, isn’t this
The most beautiful place you’ve ever seen?” And, I responded with a
Deadpan face, “No, it sucks.” He look at me. I looked at him. We both
Burst out laughing. That moment turned Into a lifetime friendship.

I have an old friend who lives overseas. We have a history of texting
Nonsense. Anyone who reads our exchanges would wonder .. really
Wonder ..if it’s early onset dementia or, we never graduated from
Elementary school. It’s kind of our pig latin for old friends. We laugh
And laugh and laugh.

Let’s face it. Everyone is weird. Except for me. Okay, I do have a
Few strange habits.