blank

Oddball
Thoughts

Every Shirt Has a Stain and Story To Go With It

Feb 5, 2024

I’m a little overweight .. okay, maybe not just a little … Because I like to eat I’m mostly okay with that. Except .. I suffer from “chest of drawers syndrome”. Everything I eat goes from my chest to my drawers. Coffee, pasta sauce, balsamic vinegar, beef stew, pizza .. you name it.  Every food has an equal opportunity to travel south on my shirt.

I guess you could say I’m a schlemiel.  You know the difference between a schlemiel and a schlimazel?  A schlemiel spills stuff on himself.  A schlimazel spills it on someone else.

So, what is a schlemiel to do?  Grab a dish towel ..or, a placemat .. or, a tablecloth (well, that’s a little big) and cover yourself when you’re eating.  Well that’s all well and good but, what do you do with all of the spills that land on those coverings?  It’s the same dilemma.

Alas, there is a solution (albeit not one that’s on the spot .. if you’ll excuse the pun”.  My dear sweet wife takes stain removal to a high art.  She could be Stain Remover Tester for Tide, Resolve, OxiClean .. you name it.  She’s tested the sprays, the rub ons .. and, the stain remover sticks.  And, when she conquers a particular stain, she celebrates like  she scored  a field goal.

It’s truly a sight to behold.

Lately, I think I’ve come up with the perfect solution for a fella like me.  Design a series of dinner shirts with different stains printed on the belly area.  In full blown color.  Keep your sport jacket closed until you eat.  And then, open the button. Once you share the laugh with your dinner guests you can eat and drink to your heart’s delight. Scrambled eggs with hot sauce, roast pork egg foo young with that delicious brown sauce, pasta with vodka sauce .. go man , go.