In the past couple of weeks I’ve had the distinct pleasure of visiting a few doctors. Well, actually five of them. One led to another and another and another.
Originally, I thought I had a polyp on my vocal cord. So, I found a doc on Google. Yeah, that’s the new way to find a doc. The old way being that you ask a friend who asks a friend. And, their opinion is usually based upon some peripheral observation; “I liked him.” “He was kind.” “He asked me about my sebaceous cyst.” (I’m only kidding. Somehow this ailment always makes me laugh.)
Okay, I found the Ear, Nose and Wallet Doctor (that’s David Letterman’s description). I called her office and then it began. “Welcome to the Blah Blah Blah Offices of Drs. Lip,, Dr. Sponge and Dr. Pepper”. “Press 1 if you know the person’s extension. And, if you don’t know the person’s extension, why are you calling us? Press 2 if you know where we are located. Press 3 if you speak Ashkenazi.
Okay, I called for an appointment. “Do you have, have you had, do you expect to have, do you know anybody who has had COVID-19? How ‘bout COVID-18? COVID-17? Do you have a cough? Has anybody put his fingers under your private area and asked you to cough? Where have you been in the last 24 hours? Did you have fun?”
“Okay, we have an available appointment in August, 2024. What time would you like to come in?”
Okay, so I finally got an appointment and visited the doctor. “Let’s take a look at your throat. Open wide. I’m just going to stick this long metal rod with a flashlight and a video camera to see what’s doing down there.” “Oh, yeah. You have a polyp on your vocal cord.”
Duh. I didn’t go to medical school and I could have made this diagnosis.
“And, it looks like you have some thingy below your vocal cord that looks like it’s been irritated. How are you feeling otherwise?” “Well, I’ve been a little off balance lately and my neck is kind of stiff.” ‘OHHHHHH, well, let’s not do anything until we find out about what’s going on with you. You’ll need to see a Family Practice Doc, a Neurologist, a Physical Medicine Doc, and a Gastroenterologist.
The party begins. You’ll need an MRI of your head, and MRI of your back, a back x-ray, a needle test to check the nerves in your legs, and an endoscopy. And, of course, we’ll need to take a gallon of your blood. All of this because I have a polyp in my throat.
All of this has been quite an adventure. If you’ve never had an MRI, beware. It’s like being buried alive with a bevy of heavy duty cymbals and clangs. “How long will this take?” “Oh about 15 minutes.” Ladies and gentlemen, trust me when I tell you, this will be the longest 15 minutes of your life. It will feel like your life is coming to an end. And, just when you’re ready to give in, the MRI machine will crank up and slide you out of your living hell.
Well, all of the procedures are over and I’m waiting for my follow up appointments to hear the results and prognosis. But, first … would you kindly respond to our survey? “How did we do? Did we treat you like a king? Did we listen to all of your kvetching? Was the nurse the kindest person you ever met? Did the doctor make you feel extra special? Did you get a hug when you left? (Oh, wait, it’s COVID-time .. no hugs).
Well, the neck pain was fixed with a cortisone shot. Everything else remains the same. And, that throat thingy is still there.