I don’t understand guilt. Never did. Never will. You just can’t
Make me feel guilty to do something that I don’t want to do.
I don’t get that feeling that supposedly gnaws at your
conscience. Maybe I’m lucky? My mother never made me
Feel guilty of anything and I didn’t grow up Catholic.
I also don’t understand prayer. But, that’s a topic for another
And, I certainly don’t understand why anyone in their right
Mind would choose to be a Republican. But, that’s also a
Topic for another Writer’s Group. (Hmmm, maybe I should
Join another writer’s group?).
I also don’t understand how we humans successfully
communicate. Each of us grows up with a different way of
How to look at things. And, then as we meet in a classroom,
In a store, on the street … we express our point of view and
Expect the other person to know just where we are coming
I don’t understand why most bagels suck, why anyone would
Want to own an art gallery, why prisoners make license plates
And Why most pizza sucks (not enough sauce, lousy crust,
Crappy cheese, oh, I could go on).
I don’t understand how electricity works or, how hot water is just
Standing by at the twist of a faucet. And, don’t get me started on
How toilets work. Because they don’t always work and plunging
Them is just too disgusting.
I don’t understand why supermarkets sell so many different brands
Of milk, granola or canned juice.. And, I surely don’t
Understand why there’s northing better than an ice cold beer
On a hot summer’s day.
I do know why condoms suck. Because, “oh what a feeling” is lost
Between here and there.
I don’t understand why someone invented the “bra”. If only Hugh
Heffner was still alive maybe he could shed some light on this subject?
I don’t understand why we pay for television programs or, for that
Matter, why we tip a waiter.
I don’t understand why we complain, why friendships sometimes end
Yet, families stick together.
I don’t understand highway signs in Florida, why most people don’t
Pay any attention to the speed limit, why zippers get stuck, why a
Heated pool is always cold when you first get into it. Why mosquito
Bites itch like crazy, why it’s so easy to get fat and so hard to get
Skinny, why most TV commercials are so full of lies, why sex doesn’t
Last longer, why a doctor’s instructions sound like a Looney Tunes
I don’t understand why socks always get holes, why we think that life
exists elsewhere and why some people just don’t have a sense of humor.
But, most of all, I don’t understand what it means to die.