My Phone is Broken, My Shoes Don’t Fit, and I’m Not Wearing a Bra Anymore

Nov 8, 2023

How’s your day going so far? Are you feeling okay? Any
Trouble getting out of bed? Got any pains or aches? Were you
Able to step into your underwear without landing on your
Butt? Is everything in focus. Did you check the news? That’s
Always to a good way to start your day on the wrong foot.

I don’t know if it’s just me or, that I just happen to know a bunch of
People who seem to get started with a lot of creaks and bangs.
So many people write songs about long, lost love or, long, lost
Friendships or, long, lost ways to do math. It was so easy back
Then. My arm hurts. I got a sore throat. My tush is a little off.

You saw your doctor. He gave you a pill. And, that was
That. It didn’t matter if the pill fixed anything. It was more
Important that he gave you his undivided attention.

And, it was so easy to reach your doctor. You picked up the
Phone. Dialed his number. And, his nurse set you up with an
Appointment. Now? You don’t even have to pick up your phone.
You can ask Siri to dial it for your. “Siri, call Dr. Schmeckel.”
A computer answers the phone. “Hello, you’ve reached the
Offices of Drs. Putz, Schmeckel, Schtunk and Schmeggie. Or, if
Your not Jewish, “You’ve reached Drs. Jimmy … Crack …. Corn and
I Don’t Care. Press 1If you need help right away. Or, if you’re experiencing erection
Problems. Press 2 if your erection problems just went away.
Press 3 if you want to talk to billing because… our Billing Dept is
Always available.

My sister thinks her phone is always broken. And, that’s possible.
Personally, I think it ran out of words. Or, every button looks the
Same to her. She doesn’t get the Face ID thingy. Do I hold it
Close or from across the room? Do I aim to my better side or
The side that has too many birthmarks. Do I click on the Clock, the
Calendar, the Tiny Scanner or just Tips? And, who do I tip? It’s a
Complicated world.

My shoes don’t fit. I keep a set of sneakers in my NY apartment and
My Florida Condo. Same socks. Same size. Same width. So, how
Come my Florida sneakers don’t fit anymore? Are my toes gaining
Weight? I looked up a Toe Diet on Google but, all I found was a KeTOE
Diet. Good luck with that.

From my limited sample of the world, it seems like women have a
Much harder time getting shoes to fit. Personally, I think they make
Their purchasing decisions based on style rather than size. “This
Pair looks great. I think I’ll just crush in my toes and nobody will
Notice anything weird. Of course, I do make scrunchy facial moves
Whenever I take a step. But…. These shoes do look really great.
I wonder if they make Crocs in high heels?

My bra doesn’t fit. Okay, it’s clear that I’m not a woman. Whew?
I can’t imagine having to wear a bra everyday. You take it out of the
Drawer and unfold it. You pop out the cups. And, then you fit the
Girls into it. Now, comes the torture. You need to twist your arms
Around your back and fit the tiny hooks into the thingies. I’d image
This takes some practice and some twisted triceps. And then, there’s
That thing about wearing a gizmo that wraps around your chest
Like a lasso. I often wonder if an ill fitting bra is anything like an
Ill fitting shoe. To tell you the truth, I don’t think I’m heading this way
Anytime soon.

So, that’s today’s rant. Maybe I’ll bump into you at Dr. Schmeckle’s
Office one day. They do have their up and down days.